Obsession
by ScHiZoPhReNiC-GoLlUm
Summary: A comical story about an obsessed, somewhat lunatical girl who falls into Middle-Earth with about three working brain cells. Her attempts at getting Legolas fail miserably, but hey, what's the worst that could happen?
1. Of the HokeyPokey, Teddykins and Argie's...

Author's Notes: I own nothing. NOTHING!!! I'm just a very pathetic person with no life whatsoever. Review, praise, criticize, flame, boil, fry, dance on, eat, copy, do whatever you want to this story. Just don't take it too seriously.  
  
Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring. A phenomenal movie that scored over four hundred million dollars on its opening release. A film that was nominated for a whopping 13 Oscars, including Best Film and Best Director. A masterpiece that was number one in the hearts of millions. 'Twas most arduously made, beautiful motion picture that ever was played on tape. An unleashed secret that stirred the imaginations and unburied a hidden passion for Tolkien's ingenious literature worldwide.  
  
Lord of the Rings: The Fellowhsip of the Ring. A stroke of perfection. A gift from God. A blessing. A classic.  
  
A movie that is acclaimed worldwide in a bazillion different languages. A movie that is interpreted as the absolute peak of filmmaking ever. A movie that is wanted.  
  
And exactly why is such a magnificent accomplishment wanted?  
  
Because as I stepped out of the movie theater on the night of December 30, 2002, I knew that this movie had already stolen my heart.  
  
:::  
  
It was a fine Saturday morning. I awoke and rubbed my eyes sleepily and looked at the time. 8: 45 AM, my alarm clock read. I wrapped on a comfy robe and slipped on my furry blue slippers. The birds were chirping brightly and the sun shone merrily against the cloudless blue sky. I smiled. What a perfect day!  
  
I then bolted downstairs, grabbed my Lord of the Rings DVD, popped it in the machine and sat promptly on my backside two feet from the television screen.  
  
For three magical hours, I didn't move more than an inch (bathroom breaks don't count!) as I squatted on the carpet, eyes pasted to the screen. I was a moth, and the movie was a lantern. I don't think I even blinked. I whispered every line, including the esoteric Orc battle cries and Arwen's un-understandable Elvish. I screamed at the cave troll, laughed at Pippin's comical remarks and became Niagara Falls when Boromir died. Anyhow, when the credits began rolling, I released a satisfied sigh, just as I had done exactly the same way 47 times before.  
  
It was almost noon, so I decided to make myself a quick brunch. After loading two pieces of buttered bread, some apple juice and a slice of leftover chocolate cake on the tray, I quickly seated myself in front of the wondrous TV screen and became absorbed in the special features. I laughed at Aragorn's dirty hair and 'oooh!'ed at the Nazgul behind-the- scenes.  
  
I was a complete addict to Lord of the Rings.  
  
The afternoon flew by. Never mind the college essays and that French project waiting for me on the coffee table. Never mind the 14 messages beeping on the phone. I spent my whole day either devouring at the books like some kind of deformed vulture or on my rump, ruining my eyes completely while watching my favorite scenes over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over  
  
(5 minutes later)  
  
and over and over and over again.  
  
I went to bed that night at around midnight. As I laid awake under the cool cover of my down comforter, I couldn't help but grin like an idiot. Tolkien's world was just so perfect! And the movie, a stroke of sheer brilliance. But that night, there was only one thing on my shallow mind.  
  
Legolas Greenleaf, Elven Prince of Mirkwood.  
  
I whispered the title out loud in the dark and shivers crept down my back. God, he was just SO entirely perfect! The hair, for one thing. It was like a veil of pure undefiled gold swept like a sash on those beautiful shoulders. And his eyes! Oh, they were so azure, so deep, so wondrously filled with wisdom. He had the body of a god, too. Those muscular, perfectly shaped legs and smooth arm muscles made my legs morph into Jell- O. I still refused to believe that Orlando Bloom had played Legolas in the movie. The guy was hot, of course, but Legolas was too BEAUTIFUL to be imitated by some gooney who liked jumping out of airplanes with a Mohawk. He was just too absolutely stunningly attractive. Such perfection couldn't be real, I concluded. That was the last thought on my mind before I dozed off.  
  
I had a really queer dream. At first, an image of a golden watch appeared. It was a very pretty watch, dangling on a silver chain with Roman Numerals inscribed on the edges. I could hear it ticking merrily. But then the ticking stopped quite abruptly. A hand reached out and turned the knob on the back backwards, and the little golden arrows on the face whirled quickly. I felt dizzy. Then, the watch disappeared entirely. The next picture was of beautiful Legolas, but he looked different. I couldn't pinpoint it, though. I somehow leaned to get a closer look, when I tripped over something and fell into nothingness.  
  
And then, I dreamed of the math exam taken only a week ago before I had arrived home for spring break. I saw Mr. Pontly, my professor. He held up a paper with countless red marks strewn all across it. The paper had my name on it, and on the upper right corner was a big fat E. I heard him talking, and I made out that I was going to fail college forever and that I'd wind up on the streets as a pathetic beggar, with no future whatsoever.  
  
I woke up, sweating like a sow. Tears streamed down my reddened cheeks. A sudden coldness struck me and I opened my eyes, only to meet a blinding light. I quickly shut them. Instinctively, I reached out to my left side for Teddykins, a ragged teddy bear I'd possessed since I was three. I didn't feel his soft fur. So I screamed. Pretty loudly.  
  
"ARGH!! TEDDYKINS!!!!!!!! Where are you?"  
  
I opened my eyes now, and all around me was-  
  
Snow.  
  
My fingers touched it. I looked down and saw that I was still in my pajamas with the flying pigs, but I was lying on top of snow and my entire back was absolutely FREEZING. There was no comforter, no mattress, no Teddykins. Quickly, I stood up, brushed the snow off me and looked around. In the distance, there were some trees far away, but other than that, all I could see was the snow pouring from the sky overhead and grey haze everywhere. I couldn't even make out a horizon. Everything was grey.  
  
"Oh, my goodness," I whispered. I blinked.  
  
"Oh, my goodness," I repeated. It was the only phrase that could come out of that hole under my nose on my head.  
  
"Ohmygoodnessohmygoodnessohmygoodnessohmygoodnessohmygoodness!!!" I wailed, sounding like a broken CD player.  
  
The snow was really biting me. I stuck my freezing hands under my armpits and stood there, feeling really stupid and internally panicking about the loss of Teddykins. Then I remembered that I needed to get moving, so I started running around in a circle to get the blood pumping. I started doing the hokey-pokey, when something a few feet away popped out of the snow.  
  
It was a head of yellow hair matted with snow, and bright blue eyes with very pretty dark eyelashes crusted with white snowflakes were looking at me with a weirded-out expression. I stopped doing the dance immediately and pointed at the rising head with my index finger.  
  
"ARGH!!!!!" I screamed crazily. "HOLY SH-"  
  
"Hush!" The dude with the yellow hair exclaimed. I hushed.  
  
"Why?" I whispered as he slowly crawled out of the snow. But he didn't answer, because not a yard from me, another head popped out of the snow. The dude with the yellow hair immediately ran over and helped the other dude (he had white hair) out.  
  
"What's going on?" I demanded. The old dude with the white hair looked at me, and a curious expression grazed his face for a second before ANOTHER head popped out of the snow, sputtering and coughing and once again I was abandoned. And then it hit me.  
  
"Oh, my goodness!!!!!" I squealed. "I'M IN MIDDLE-EARTH!!!!! OH MY GOD! YOU'RE LEGOLAS!" I pointed at him excitedly, jumping up and down. He didn't even turn around. "AND YOU'RE GANDALF!!! " The old guy ignored me, too. I kept going at it anyway.  
  
"OH GOODNESS!!!! I'M REALLY IN MIDDLE-EARTH!! Cool!!! Where's Elrond??? I wanna see if he's wearing a WIG!!! OH GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOW! AND YOU'RE THE FELLOWSHIPPERS!!!"  
  
A few minutes later, my throat was getting incredibly sore and I was already tired from jumping up and down, so I just watched as the 8 snow- free members of the Fellowship helped a very vexed Gimli out of the snow. Aragorn and Legolas hauled him out, and he was holding something brown and ragged and really really really familiar.  
  
"TEDDYKINS!!" I jumped up suddenly, ran and quickly snatched my precious bear from the dwarf's grubby fingers. He gave a little yelp of surprise.  
  
"Oh, I've missed you so much!" I happily cried and planted a big kiss on his button nose and hugged him tightly. I then noticed the silence and looked around. All 9 Fellowship-pers were gaping at me like I was some kind of raving lunatic (which of course I was not).  
  
"You-you're still here. Who-who are you, anyway?" Legolas finally broke the silence. "Are you in league with Sauron? What is that thing in your hands?"  
  
I gasped and drew Teddykins closer. "He's not a THING! He's Teddykins!" I cried tenaciously.  
  
"Teddykins?" Pippin piped, elaborating too much on the 'DEE' part. All wrong.  
  
"Repeat after me. Teddykins. TEH. Dee. Kin. Es." I elaborated.  
  
The Fellowship just stared at me some more. I noticed Gandalf looking my flying pig pajamas and my blue slippers and at Teddykins. He still wore a confused expression. Meanwhile, I was getting really cold.  
  
"Hey look, y'all, my butt's going to fall off any second from the cold. So let's like, MOVE AWAY." I make ushering gestures with my hands.  
  
"Yes," Gandalf said, still staring at my un-Middle-Earth-ish attire. Out of nowhere, he pointed to a little cave about 50 yards from where we were all standing.  
  
"Good navigational skills, old chap!" I gave him a pat on the back. He made a weird nasal sound.  
  
"Let us rest for the night. Come, uh, uh, I honestly don't know your name," the wizard said after recovering from his Highly Unusual Moment of Nasal Sounds.  
  
"Margaret," I said. "But you can call me Evelyinnianillynwenladiral! I've always liked that name."  
  
Gandalf just sighed.  
  
I knew it wasn't in the script, but I was secretly very happy as Gandalf led the Fellowship to the cozy cave, even though everyone in the Fellowship kept giving me these pitiful, scared looks. I followed them happily, clutching Teddykins.  
  
I was definitely on Middle-Earth. With the love of my life, Legolas Greenleaf.  
  
:::  
  
"Okay. So we're all here." I announced happily. There was no response. Instead, nine pairs of very confused eyes stared back at me. The Fellowship sat in a U with me closing the circle. I felt very important, like an Indian Chief. But that silence was really getting to me. The little fire Gandalf conjured cackled merrily.  
  
"Er, yeah. So you want me to explain."  
  
Silence. Man, one day I was going to get a hammer and smash silence to little itty bitty pieces.  
  
"Okay fine, my name is Margaret, but I wanna be called Evelyinnianillynwenladiral. Evelyn, if it's too complicated for your feeble minds. You know, I've always liked that name. Why didn't my mother name me Evenlyn except for Margaret? Margaret sounds like some sort of earthworm or something, now that I think of it. It's so weird!! Seriously, it's the WORST na-"  
  
Gimli coughed.  
  
I gave him my chilliest glare (which wasn't really that chilly, because I personally felt sorry for the non-loved Gimli).  
  
"Well, as I was SAYING, I had a dream last night, and there was a gold watch, and then I dreamed I failed a math test and then I woke up all sad and stuff on some snow. And then I saw Legolas, and he told me to shut up, and then he dug all y'alls out. And then Gimli stole Teddykins, so I grabbed it from him. And then now you all think I'm a lunatic, but that's okay, because your minds aren't functioning correctly. Anyway, I dunno why I'm here, but I'm happy because I love you all! Especially you, Legolas. I'm not bad or anything. Sauron is an ugly git, and Saruman looks like my sister. I come from Earth."  
  
I parted my fingers to make the 'peace' sign to conclude my life story.  
  
"Earth?" Aragorn said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
I sighed and waved my hand. "It's too difficult to explain. It's this weird place. And I was watching you guys in the movie the day it all happened, too, so that probably had to do with why I'm in Middle-Earth."  
  
"Wait, what is a moovee??" the Ranger asked. He sounded like a cow.  
  
"It's a thingy on a screen that you watch."  
  
"I do not understand, but 'tis not important. So you say this moovee brought you to Middle-Earth. What moovee was it?"  
  
(God, he really belonged on a farm.)  
  
"Well, DUH!" I rolled my eyes. "Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring! Like, the greatest movie alive! And I know everything that happens, cuz I've read the books too. You guys separate later on, and Boromir, you die, and Gandalf, you're going to fall into a pit with a demon that resembles a mountain goat, and Fro-"  
  
"Wait," Boromir interrupted. "I die??"  
  
"Yup. Three arrows."  
  
"B-bu-but-but-"  
  
"Hey, you get to meet your daddy later."  
  
"Denethor??"  
  
"Yep. He dies too. He's like, insane."  
  
Boromir glared at me.  
  
Gandalf quickly changed the subject. "Evelyn," he said somewhat uncertainly, "There was to be a reason for you to be - here."  
  
I shrugged. "Dunno."  
  
The old wizard sighed. "What do we do with her?" He turned to the Fellowship. "We obviously cannot leave her here to die."  
  
"Take her," Sam suggested. "We can drop her off when we reach someplace with Big People."  
  
"Or we could throw her down the Cahadras slopes and end everything," Boromir growled.  
  
"Can't she find her own way home? She looks smart," said Merry.  
  
"I am," I said smugly. "But I dunno know where to go."  
  
"We could eat her," Gimli said.  
  
"GIMLI!" Gandalf's voice was like thunder.  
  
"Only joking, Gandalf."  
  
"I think Sam's idea is the most wise," Legolas spoke. "We cannot leave her, or let her loose. And I do not think one who smells like that is so delicious to chew upon."  
  
"Are you saying I stink?"  
  
"Would you attack me if I said yes?"  
  
"Yes, most definitely."  
  
"No, then."  
  
I crossed my arms and frowned.  
  
"So it is settled," Aragorn jumped in. "Evelyn, you shall come with us until we reach civilization."  
  
"Yay!"  
  
He looked at me for a long time.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Listen, girl. This journey is highly clandestine and not to be taken lightly. You cannot exclaim your happiness or jump or dance or sing if you want to come with us. You seem overly hyperactive sometimes, which can be a dead giveaway to everyone else. If you come along, you must be obedient and silent, for females are inferior to the males. Now, hold out your hand."  
  
I held out my right hand.  
  
"Now repeat after me, Evelyn. I shall not be a tyrant or a nuisance to the Fellowship of the Ring. I shall remain a quiet woman, a respectable lady. I solemnly swear upon Elbereth that I shall heed every order of any in this group of good doers."  
  
I burst out laughing.  
  
"Good doers? Sounds like some sort of yogurt."  
  
He glared at me, so I quickly shut up and repeated as much as I could remember, making up some gushy stuff along the way. They all thought I was crazy, but I was crazy AND super-intelligent, which they'd definitely find out later.  
  
"Good, Evenlyn," Aragorn said after I finished my stupid speech. "Now, we need you to get in some proper clothes. You are sure to freeze to death in those garments, whatever they are."  
  
"P'jammies, you silly fish."  
  
"What did you say to me?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
I could tell he was really getting irritated, but this game was getting fun. He sighed and reached into his pack, and produced a heavy cream colored wool shawl. He handed it to me. I fingered it.  
  
"Oohh, pretty!" I exclaimed happily.  
  
"It was from Arwen to keep ME warm and to keep her in my mind," he sighed.  
  
"Oh? So what else do you have on your mind?" I wiggled my eyebrows.  
  
"Hush. Put on the shawl before you freeze to a block of ice, girl."  
  
"Whatever you say, Argie. Whatever you say."  
  
"What did you call me?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
::: 


	2. Temptation?

I have to admit - being part of the Fellowship wasn't as great as I thought it'd be. We planned to spend the night in the cozy cave, after some bickering between Gandalf and Boromir. Boromir had wanted to go for the Gap of Rohan (I asked him, "There's a Gap?? Ohhh!!! I wanna go!!! I need a new sweater," and he looked at me funnily) while Gandalf wanted to go up the Cahadras. Of course, prior to the 48 times I'd watched Lord of the Rings, I knew what they were going to end up doing, but I decided (for once) not to speak up, because of my angelically-tamed discipline.  
  
Actually, I was too busy gaping at Legolas to be the loquacious girl I usually was.  
  
Okay, so he looked hot in the movie, we all agreed after stepping out of the theater. But oh, MIGOD. He was even more perfect in real life than he was on film. He was quiet, but the sparse words that came out were filled with wisdom even Gandalf envied. And his movements were so graceful and natural, like a really beautiful male version of a ballet dancer. He was SO beautiful!!!!!!!! I couldn't stop. My eyes were plastered to him.  
  
I had been openly staring at him for about three hours when he looked at me with eyes filled with contempt, so I got the message and stopped.  
  
So how many of the nine hate me now? Well, Gandalf thinks I'm a nutcase, Legolas thinks there's something wrong with my optical senses and that I smell, and Gimli thinks I'm edible. Aragorn's mad at me for having Arwen's special little cloak (which I have to admit, is very warm, but has this funny odor to it) and Boromir just all-out despises me. Oh well, the hobbits didn't seem to dislike me at all. Especially Pippin. Although I didn't really directly talk to him yet, I could hear his merry laugh whenever I said something funny and I caught him sneaking looks of adoration at me, which made me feel very nice inside. He would make such a perfect little brother.  
  
All these thoughts were in my head as I planned to snuggle into the extra sleeping bag that Samwise had so thoughtfully brought ("It was for if Mr. Frodo got cold!"). The cave was chilly, and the flurries outside didn't seem to have an end. All this wasn't in the movie. I guess they had a much harder time than the film projected.  
  
I clumsily got into the sleeping bag after a brief battle with it (it won), and closed my eyes. In a few moments, Gandalf and Gimli's snores could be heard quite distinctly all over the cave. Naturally, I couldn't sleep. So I got out and wrapped Arwen's cloak around me, hugging Teddykins. A sudden idea popped up in my head.  
  
"Is he REALLY sleeping?" I whispered in the dark, looking at the slender figure of Legolas laying in a graceful sprawl a couple yards away. I decided to find out and I crawled over to him, dragging Teddykins. Even in the dark, his gorgeous eyes shone. It gave me the creeps to see him like that, eyes wide open. His lips were parted perfectly like the petals of a blossoming rose.  
  
Nervously and ever so carefully, I waved a finger in front of his face. Nothing happened.  
  
I waved my whole hand, more audaciously. Still nothing.  
  
Then my courage exploded. I leaned my face really close to his, and stuck out my tongue, licking the top of his straight, perfect nose gently. In a flash, I pulled back and started giggling uncontrollably, using Teddykins' soft body to smother the sound. And then, the most ingenious idea popped in my head.  
  
This was the absolute PERFECT chance to kiss him, wasn't it?  
  
Very very slowly, I removed Teddykins from my mouth and stopped laughing. I studied Legolas' gorgeous face for a full minute , and concluded satisfactorily that he was definitely 100% in slumber. I carefully bent over him and at a snail's face, lowered my head, until my lips met his.  
  
How could I describe it? Although he wasn't responding, it was definitely the most wonderful kiss that I'd ever experienced. His rose lips were cool and sweet, but I didn't dare press any harder. We were only in contact for about 5 seconds when -  
  
"AHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed, when his lips moved under mine, much to my surprise, and he gave a yelp of surprise. Immediately I got off him.  
  
"Elbereth!" he gasped, looking more adorable than ever leaping up in the air like that. Funny, I wasn't even embarrassed, only very amused to see my Elven prince so fussed over nothing. He was scared, and definitely confused. I grinned.  
  
"What is so amusing?" he hissed, but kept his voice down to not disturb the others. Very thoughtful. "What were you doing to me?"  
  
"What are you talking about?" I batted my eyes innocently.  
  
"You know!" Boy, he was furious. "You-you w-we-were-"  
  
"What?"  
  
"KISSING ME!"  
  
I stared at him blankly, biting my lip to keep from detonating with laughter.  
  
"Legolas, my Prince, I think those lembas really got to you."  
  
"What??"  
  
I repeated my previous statement, and his face flushed carmine. Poor baby.  
  
"They did no such thing, you boor!"  
  
"That's colorful language." I taunted. "Gee, you sure have a very testy temper." He couldn't think of anything to say, so he just crossed his arms and glared at me. Awww. He was just too cute.  
  
"Well, Leggie, I've had enough with your silly tantrums. I'm going to sleep, and in the morning I hope you will have recovered from your temporary insanity." I crawled back into my sleeping bag and pretended I was sleeping after a few moments, although I definitely could hear some cursing from Legolas' direction.  
  
I came close to suffocating from concealing my giggles that night, when he actually said, "Those lembas DID taste a bit weird to me last night."  
  
:::  
  
"Wake up, Evelyn."  
  
I kept my eyes shut, hoping somehow that it'd wipe out the vexing voice, also.  
  
"Evelyn." Strong hands gently shook me, but still I didn't open my eyes.  
  
"EVELYN."  
  
I groaned as a boot nudged me.  
  
"Wake up this instant or I shall have Master Gimli sing his latest-"  
  
I quickly sat up.  
  
"No need," I smiled tiredly, meeting Pippin's friendly brown eyes. "I'm up."  
  
"That's what I thought," he chuckled.  
  
:::  
  
Over a breakfast of overcooked bacon (you all THINK Sam's a good cook, but he's NOT. Trust me, he's not.) and eggs, I peered at Legolas the whole time. He seemed to be avoiding my stare, always diverting his eyes from me. A sense of satisfaction filled my stomach, much better than the nasty food. It was good to know who was in control, as usual.  
  
Meanwhile, Gandalf had gone into bickering (sigh) AGAIN with Boromir.  
  
"I'm telling you, Gandalf, that the Gap is the safest route!"  
  
"'Tis not! I should rather die of freezing gale than in the clutches of Saruman's fingers!"  
  
"Yeah, I know," I piped in. "He has the GIRLIEST nails!!"  
  
They stared at me. So I resumed my breakfast.  
  
"Uh-anyway, Isengard is not dangerously close to the Gap."  
  
"Boromir, my friend, you are wrong."  
  
I snickered.  
  
"Hey!" Gimli entered the conversation, his rough voice filled with excitement. "We could pass through the mines of Moria!" He made a funny rolling sound with the 'r' of 'Moria'.  
  
"No, Gimli. There are foul creatures in the depth of those mines. It would not be wise," Gandalf said. A forlorn look swept his face. I shuddered involuntarily.  
  
"My cousin Balin would keep us from those creatures. I'm willing to bet my beard they're all gone, anyway."  
  
"Really?" I perked up. "You're serious about your beard?"  
  
"No, not really."  
  
I shrank back to my corner and sulked. What wouldn't I have given for a beardless Gimli!  
  
:::  
  
About twenty minutes later, we all stepped reluctantly out of the cozy little cave. The biting gale stung my neck and my face, and I wrapped the clothes everyone had so generously let me have, one of which was Legolas' dark green cloak. (Gimli had offered me boots, but I politely accepted Aragorn's proposal after seeing the weird things in the dwarf shoe's sole and inhaling the sickening odor)  
  
We trudged along for a million hours to everywhere and nowhere in the deep, bitter snow, and I yearned to stop. I could barely make out anything through the grey haze but a couple of figures. Occasionally, I glanced over at Legolas and envied his Elven lightness. He was always several yards ahead, walking on the snow like it was grass. My eyes hurt from the biting wind and before long, all my clothes were sopping wet from the snow contact. It seemed like I tripped and stumbled infinite times. I walked beside Frodo, who remained somber and not talkative at all. Lines of worry penetrated his smooth skin; even I could see that. A couple of times, I caught a glimpse of the One Ring, hanging so vulnerably around his neck. Every time my eyes rested on the little gold band, a weird feeling jumped in my stomach.  
  
Finally, FINALLY the snow receded from a violent thrashing monster into sparse drifting flakes, and old Gandalf called everyone to a stop. We were about halfway down, he announced proudly.  
  
At that time, I probably looked more like a rotten banana peel than a normal (if you could call me normal) person. My hair was mussed and half- frozen and I couldn't even run my fingers through two inches without hitting a tangle. My clothes looked totally alien. Several huge, heavy cloaks covered me, along with two layers of pants (don't ask) and Aragorn's awkward fitting spare boots. Underneath it all, one could still perhaps see a flying pig or a small part of my pajamas. When Gandalf's words reached my ears, I dropped my pack (yes, they made me carry one) and promptly fell flat on my butt, panting like an ill dog.  
  
Everyone else seemed to have suffered, also. Although the men didn't show it (they have such EGOS!), I could tell that Aragorn and Boromir were thoroughly exhausted. Gandalf looked weary and leaned heavily on his staff. Gimli was kind of neutral, and Legolas was already off somewhere, probably scouting for any enemies with his superkeen eyesight. The hobbits had as much energy as wood chips, with their faces red from exhaustion and their movements slow. They were hunched over some food.  
  
I closed my eyes and breathed in the chilly, clean air slowly. In the movie, the Cahadras had been BEAUTIFUL. Not exhausting. And it looked so easy to walk on, with the snow all prettily white and smooth like marble. I groaned. I didn't even see Legolas creeping up behind me until I heard him clear his throat.  
  
I jumped up and turned around, looking up into his gorgeous blue eyes.  
  
"Yes?" I asked. He took a seat beside me. I was wholly surprised that such a noble Elf would lower his standards to sitting on the snow next to me, and I voiced my thoughts.  
  
He cocked a perfectly angled dark eyebrow. "I am not as much as a noble Elf as you would think, my lady."  
  
"Really."  
  
"Yes, I'm afraid so." A heart-burning smile crossed his lips, and I grinned back, completing a celestial moment. But he suddenly looked uncomfortable.  
  
"Well, was that all you wanted to say to me, Legolas?" I taunted innocently.  
  
"Uh, actually, no."  
  
"Then spill."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Talk."  
  
He talked.  
  
"Last night, I kind of had an extremely peculiar dream. At least, I believe 'twas a dream. Somehow, you were in it." He trailed off uncertainty.  
  
"Ooohhh, really? What was I doing?" I widened my eyes, pretending to be thoroughly intrigued.  
  
"You were kissing me," he replied bluntly. I was surprised at his courage to just blurt it out, but masked my consternation.  
  
"Legolas!" I exclaimed, horrified. I put a hand to my heart, and then to his hand.  
  
"Do you think it means something for us?" My voice was low.  
  
He drew his hand back immediately.  
  
"No!"  
  
I smiled gingerly. "Just checking. But you DO love me, deep down. Anyway, why did you tell me that?"  
  
"I wanted to make sure 'twas a dream, and not reality," he replied. I laughed and playfully swatted at his shoulder.  
  
"Of course not! Legolas, and besides, why would I kiss you? You're all dirty from all that nancing around!" I said. He looked a little offended, and I couldn't suppress my giggles. Obviously, being called 'dirty' was not extremely common with such a vain Elf.  
  
He was about to say something, but Gandalf's commanding voice interrupted the activities of us all.  
  
"We need to move on, for I feel Saruman's eyes on my back, like a hawk," he said.  
  
I blew a raspberry. Just when things were starting to get fun, the old crook had to inform us about his hallucinations. Argh. Oh well. I picked up my bag and stood up, as everyone else was reassembling. Sadly, I noted that Legolas had walked away to gather his stuff.  
  
One by one, we followed old Gandalf in a single order trail. I was between Legolas and Boromir this time, with Legolas right behind me. The snow was falling gently in huge, fluffy flakes that fell softly into his golden hair, and I practically drooled as I stared at his yellow locks hanging so naturally around those broad shoulders.  
  
Man, why couldn't everyday guys wear their hair like that?  
  
And then, I noticed them. The two perfectly made braids hanging from his temples and drifting loosely on his back.  
  
Oh. My. God. Perfection. Made to be spoiled.  
  
It was a totally too-perfect opportunity. My fingers itched. I chastised myself mentally for evening THINKING about it. By this time, they had already started to physically itch and I scratched them, deciding whether to do it or not.  
  
Heck, was I ever going to get another chance like this? The thought popped into my head and before I knew it, my hands were clasped firmly around the left braid and I yanked for all that I was worth-  
  
I'm not even going to tell you how long I was laughing my head off when he released THE most girlish scream that had ever escaped from a male's mouth.  
  
But I CAN tell you that for the rest of the day, good old Gandalf the Grey had unburdened from many heavy shawls and wools and cloths and whatnot-  
  
In other words, my punishment was to hike the rest of the way down the Cahadras in my blue furry slippers and a thin layer of cloud 'jammies.  
  
But hey, it was worth it, right?  
  
:::  
  
A/N - Man, is Evelyn ever going to stop with her crazy stunts? Will Legolas ever be rid of his admirer's actions of passion? Will Aragorn ever wash his hair? Will Gimli ever shave his beard off? Will this story ever have a point? Will the author stop asking these rhetorical questions?  
  
Nope. Not really. ;-) 


	3. My Own Adventure

The road to the Mines of Moria was well, a road. I always thought that they had just magically came down from the snowy Misty Mountains and stepped into the Moria wall entrances. But alas, I was finding out a LOT more about Lord of the Rings and Tolkien's world than I expected.  
  
For instance, when you had to pee, well, to put it this way-at least the bushes get watered. And same with solid waste (I'm sure you don't need me to expand on that). I guessed the plants in Middle-Earth were very well watered and fertilized.  
  
We were currently walking across a lovely piece of terrain. Behind us, the great Cahadras loomed. I didn't even want to look back to avoid arousing those awful, dreaded memories of bitter snow and coldness. Instead, I scurried along Frodo Baggins, who was definitely starting to get scared of me.  
  
"Hiya, Frodo!" I chirped.  
  
"H-hello."  
  
"Why the long face? Even longer than Liv Tyler's."  
  
"I'm carrying the fate of the world on my neck, if you'd really like to know," he said tartly.  
  
"That's nice to know." I sighed. "We all have to do it sometime. Hey, have you ever heard of a person called Elijah Wood?"  
  
"No, I do not think so," he said, wrinkling his brow. "I do not usually associate with Big People. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Because you're played by him in the movie!"  
  
"What moovee?"  
  
"You've talked to Aragorn, haven't you?" I sighed when he nodded. "Now you're doing it, too." I left him standing there very confused. He wasn't much of a talker anyway, so I crept up to ol' Gandalf.  
  
"Hiya, Gandalf!"  
  
"What is it, Evelyn?"  
  
"Are we there yet?" I whined. "I'm hungry." I wasn't really, but just said it for the sake of saying annoying things.  
  
"No. We're not. We just had breakfast!."  
  
I scurried alongside him for a couple of minutes, then spoke again.  
  
"Now are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
A few more minutes.  
  
"Are we there yet?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Now?"  
  
Gandalf stopped and glared at me. Then, he exploded. Literally. Well, not literally, but really close to the point of literalness. I'm not sure if that's even a word. Anyway-  
  
"NO WE'RE NOT!!!! NOW HUSH AND STOP BOTHERING ME!" He roared, turning a lovely shade of azure.  
  
"My, my," I sighed and shook my head. "Okay, one more thingy, alright?"  
  
"What?" he asked irritably.  
  
"Mellon."  
  
"What?"  
  
"MellonmellonmellonmellonMELLONMELLON!!!" I shrieked happily. "MELL. ON. MELLO. EN. M. Ellon. MEELOOOOOOO-"  
  
"Go," he interrupted, growling in a dangerously low tone that made even Woody Allen's voice seem attractive. He pointed an old, crinkled finger at the end of the line. Gandalf looked pretty pissed off, so I obeyed him (for once).  
  
"Whatever," I muttered as I headed back behind Frodo. "It's just for future reference."  
  
~  
  
At home, I had the Lord of the Rings leather collection, a huge red book that weighed a million pounds and was covered with chocolate stains from all those lovely Saturday afternoons, when I gorged myself with Hershey bars and read the books over and over again. Anyway, the map at the back wasn't usually regarded, because I liked to use my own imagination to visualize all the places and terrain and stuff. Only a faint memory of the biggest and most essential places was in my head, such as Gondor, Mirkwood, Lorien and the Shire. So, of course, I had absolutely NO idea where we were on the first real day with the Fellowship.  
  
Things were turning out pretty miserably. I was still hungry, and my legs ached from walking for four hours straight. An uncomfortable blanket of humidity hung in the air, and I SWORE I could see the droplets of sweat form on the back of Frodo's neck as I trudged along.  
  
Steeper and steeper the road became, and I realized that we were heading underground. Passing through countless forests, fields, "shortcuts" (pah) and whatnot, I got a pretty nice tour of Middle-Earth. Except I was stuck on this tour with a bunch of loonies and the hottest guy alive. Part good, part bad.  
  
So, while passing through a very small woodland area, I broke into song.  
  
"May it BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, and evening STARRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shines DOWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN upon YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU. May it BEEEEEE-"  
  
"Argh! Stop it!" Gimli shrieked dirtily (word?), covering his dirty ears with his dirty fingers.  
  
"Oh shut up," I snapped. "You're just jealous of my melodically-gifted voice."  
  
But for the rest of the day, I sulked.  
  
~  
  
After 92642842100036 hours, 21931523rk0136-28912nkd911r3vsn miles and 38 "shut up!"'s, we approached Moria. I wasn't exaggerating. Well, kind of. But not THAT much. The 38 part was true. That day, my self-esteem had dropped by 27%. And yes, I had actually taken the TIME to figure that out, because of all the frikin' walking. And I figured out lotsa other stuff too, like:  
  
Gandalf's beard grows about a millimeter every 29461 steps he takes An average of 29 ants get squashed every minute by the Nine alone It had been an estimated 7 years since Frodo took his last bath.  
  
So, when dusk settled over and the sky filled with a flaming crimson color, the road became darker. Huge boulders, stones and tiny pebbles (they made good slingshots with my broken hair-tie but Gandalf eventually noticed me flinging them in Aragorn's greasebag hair) started to block our path. The night air was cold, and I shivered with every step. Behind me, the hobbits groaned constantly from weariness and even Legolas looked a bit worn. Which made him look even more adorable, of course.  
  
The great grey walls of Moria, as we neared the entrance, were absolutely colossal. Sheer and ancient, all of our mouths dropped open in amazement, except for Gimli, who was smirking ("See? Much more impressive than the stupid ELVISH craft!" he had exclaimed, receiving dirty looks from both Legolas and me). Gandalf, being the stupid old git he was, eventually found the gate with all the moonlight gibberish and tried all his spells and chants. I watched the wizard for a while, bemused. After about a quarter hour's worth of 'Heime bar normahencien quepnrienxhez!'s, he finally gave up and sat down beside me, deflated.  
  
The realization suddenly struck me. I could totally change EVERYTHING. I knew what was going to happen, but what if-what if I could alter it so things were easier? I toyed around with the idea in my head. What would be better, seeing everything happen the way it was in real life, or making my own adventure? I needed to talk to someone about this. But there was nobody to speak to.  
  
By now, Aragorn was already speaking to Sam about Bill, and I could practically see the nerves in Merry's fingers itching to do something about his boredom. Almost in slow-motion, he picked up a nearby pebble, rolled it around with his thumb and forefinger for a while and chucked it into the black murky water of the lake. Unaware to anyone but myself, I noticed a small bubble rise to the surface and silently pop where the stone had landed in the black lake. I started panicking. What was I supposed to do?????  
  
Merry picked up another stone, bigger, this time.  
  
"Stop!" A voice called. My voice. He stopped and looked at me, surprised.  
  
"Stop," I repeated, taking a deep breath. "You're disturbing the water. Save the whales. Whatever. Just-just stop throwing." A silence followed, but I caught Aragorn giving me a look of admiration for my 'wisdom words' (that I actually stole from HIS mouth). I turned to Gandalf.  
  
"Mellon," I whispered. The grinding of stone hurt my ears as the huge, beautiful entrance of Moria opened up like a blossoming stone flower (??). Anyway, another moment of silence passed, and a whole lot of jaws dropped to the ground, which gave me the perfect opportunity to check out Legolas' dental trait. Perfect, of course. They were neat rows of white pearly teeth against healthy-looking gums.  
  
Gandalf stared at me with wide eyes and a genuine expression of gratitude, before he spoke.  
  
"Well, Evelyn," he said, slowly standing up and putting on his hat, "You are full of surprises for such a silly girl."  
  
"How did you know the password?" Sam asked.  
  
"Oh, well, er-" I stalled. If I told them the truth, they'd seriously think me a nutcase, so I made up a lame excuse of coincidental guessing. Everyone seemed to have believed me, except for Aragorn and Gandalf, who were looking at me with still-awed expressions. Legolas had on a faint smirk of amusement as he started gathering up the packs.  
  
"You guys, stop looking at me like that," I said, feeling both extremely joyous and I-want-to-run-and-hide-in-the-corner-and-twiddle-my-thumbs embarrassed.  
  
I then stylishly picked up my bag, slung it over my shoulder like a model (believe me, I had lots of practice) and strutted into the ebony Moria entrance, wanting to look feminine and graceful and intelligent and beautiful and wise and-  
  
At the last minute, I saw the stone ledge, but it was way too late. I suddenly went sprawling through the air (cursing rapidly in German, Japanese, Hawaiian and whatever other curse words I knew in foreign languages) [1], and was airborne for about 2 seconds, and then gravity stepped in and dragged me down. By my butt. I landed in a heap of miserable old yucky bones, and wailed loudly as the smirks and giggles started rolling in from the mouths of Gimli, Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir. Tears welled in my eyes and I flushed red with embarrassment. Still, I turned quickly to evade their notice and wiped the tears of anguish away.  
  
"Hey," I snapped angrily. "At least we're IN this freaking tomb and not out there with the Watcher of the Water!" I stood up from the pile of bones, and Gandalf flashed his light at me, temporarily depriving me of sight. Several gasps rang out and echoed in the huge black chamber illuminated by Gandalf's light. I saw Boromir's expression change from humored to astonished.  
  
"What?" I shrieked after a long pause, suddenly feeling very self- conscious.  
  
Boromir's finger pointed at the rubble beneath my feet, and he stammered out the words.  
  
"H-h-h-how d-did you p-p-per-per-perceive this place as a t-t-tomb? You couldn't have seen the bones in the dark!"  
  
It was this moment that I realized Boromir's vulnerable characteristic (besides corruption, of course). I guess in the movie, it wasn't emphasized. But he had a fear of tombs. I could tell by the unmasked horror and placidness of his face. Dude, the guy was claustrophobic!  
  
I grinned.  
  
Gandalf, upon missing what had happened by seeing Bill the pony off, entered the scene. He saw me, scratched and bleeding from the fall, and rushed over and practically did a body check (ew, I know it's disgusting), and I had to convince him that one scrape on the knee and a sore behind was NOT going to end my life. He then snapped at the others for finding humor in such a 'dangerous, risky injury', which made me feel very good as the expressions on haughty Aragorn and Gimli's faces immediately morphed into those looks you put on when you've done something bad and you know it. (I should know)  
  
Without much further ado, Gandalf promptly dusted the filth off his back.  
  
"Come on, hurry along. Aragorn, you callow mistake-of-a-man, you lead them through that corridor. Evelyn, stay behind. I need to talk to you," he said.  
  
I didn't like the wary look he was giving me, but reluctantly I strayed behind and prepared myself for Gandalf the Grey.  
  
~  
  
A/N: Ooohhh! What's gonna happen? What does Gandalf have to say to Evelyn? Suggestions, flames, reviews, chocolate and preordered movie tickets for The Two Towers all welcome! 


	4. A Brush of Luck

A/N: Sorry everybody for the ridiculously long update! * looks around at empty room * Awww crap, I lost all my reviewers! * sulks * Anyway, I shall now speak to the little slug thingy in the corner to help me pick up my self esteem.  
  
Me: Hi! What's your name? Mine's Evelyn!  
  
Slug: * twitch *  
  
Me: * steps on slug, sending green guts everywhere *  
  
Legolas: Aargh, my hair! * sob *  
  
Ookay, that was strange. And now to the story!  
  
~  
  
There was a long, long silence as Gandalf and I trailed behind the rest of the Fellowship. I could tell that he was deep in thought by the way his eyebrows were so furrowed together it was almost an unibrow, so I remained quiet. Finally, he spoke.  
  
"You know things, don't you?" he asked, looking at me carefully.  
  
"Um.."  
  
"Don't try to lie, Evelyn. I can see it written all over your face."  
  
"Then why'd you ask?"  
  
"Answer the question, please," he snorted.  
  
"Eww."  
  
He glared at me.  
  
"Er, okay. I already told you. I've seen the Fellowship of the Ring approximately 50 times, and I-er-know what's going to happen," I said awkwardly, not liking the intensity in which he was staring at me. "P- please stop looking at me like that, it's getting quite freaky."  
  
Gandalf sighed before speaking again.  
  
"Tell me of this world whence you come from, then."  
  
I thought about this a little. What could I say about Earth?  
  
"I live on a lovely blue and green planet called Earth, the third planet from the Sun. There is technology, or advanced inventions. There are devices, which make life easier, like electronic toothbrushes! Man, they are so cool! All you do is press the button and then the brush thingy spins and your teeth become all whitish!" I paused briefly, trying to think of more useful things to say, but couldn't think of any. So I changed the topic. "Middle-Earth was created by a man named J. R. R. Tolkien. All the characters, including you, are fictional. Nonexistent. Except for the fact that you're alive-" I pinched his forearm and he scowled-"and so am I, so something obviously screwed up here. But the main thing is, I KNOW exactly what's going to happen to the Fellowship. I know your future, although I since I have the knowledge, I can change it."  
  
"Continue." He didn't look moved by my little confession at all, so I did.  
  
"Well, back at the gates of Moria, I knew the password. That's why earlier today I had been jumping around you, screaming 'MELLON' at the top of my lungs. And if I hadn't said it, then eventually Frodo would've figured it out but the Watcher would have grabbed him and there would've been a heroic fight in which Legolas shoots lotsa things and looks totally gorgeous and-"  
  
"Evelyn."  
  
"Sorry. But you understand."  
  
He was silent for a long time before he turned and looked at me straight in the eye. I tried not to shudder. Geez, for an old nincompoop, Gandalf sure was very intense.  
  
"Evelyn, I do not know of this gift you possess," he said sternly. "But if you can be of any guidance to the Fellowship, act quickly." He paused and looked around the stone hallway we were in. "I have a feeling my life is at its end in this mine, my child. That is why I did not want to come."  
  
I gulped and nodded quickly. A lot was being placed in my hands. What if I did something wrong? I, an insane silly girl, would determine the whole freaking' fate of Middle-Earth with a crush on Legolas Greenleaf.  
  
Scurrying along behind Gandalf and trying not to step on the bones of unfortunate ancient pedestrians that once walked on the same ground, a question that had been nagging at me suddenly popped up again.  
  
"Gandalf?"  
  
"Aye," he said, turning around and letting me catch up so I could walk beside him.  
  
"Are you gay?"  
  
His eyes widened, his skin paled and I saw his old fingers tighten on his staff. My words had echoed in the vast dank hall, and everybody turned to look at me with astonished faces. I chewed my tongue to keep from laughing - Frodo's enormous eyes had swelled up even more and now made up pratically half his face.  
  
"No," Gandalf finally replied, somewhat shaken. I was surprised at his control, having imagined him would explode like he did before.  
  
"Okay. Good."  
  
"Why do you ask me of such an audacious question, my young one?" he said tentatively as everyone else collected their wits and got over the shock. These people SERIOUSLY had no life, apparently.  
  
"Because in the movie, the actor who plays you, is." He nodded with a somewhat distraught expression on his face.  
  
"Besides, I don't want you hitting on my Leggy," I added under my breath.  
  
:::  
  
"Oh, my God," I moaned for the trillionth time. I then literally collapsed onto yet another rubble of filth and old shriveled up intestines (at least that's what they looked like).  
  
"Ev, this has been your fourth breakdown in the past half hour!" Pippin said, with a boyish grin. "Get up."  
  
"No." I stuck out my tongue at him. "You can't make me."  
  
"The sooner you get up, the sooner we'll be out of here," he said in that adorable accent. "Come on, before we leave without you."  
  
"You sound like my English professor," I groaned.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nevermind." I staggered to my feet as we began to walk again, willing one foot to go ahead of the other. "Arrrgggg."  
  
Pippin laughed. "You are, by far, the most elegant and graceful being I have ever encountered in my life," he teased.  
  
"Oh, I know," I sighed with a flip of my stringy, tangled hair.  
  
:::  
  
Walking had become my worst enemy. Besides Boromir, of course. With every step, not only did the blisters in my toe increase, but amazingly, the dust in my nose did too. So, before I knew it, I was sneezing every three steps and getting whacked 'accidentally' by Boromir's stupid shield each time. What's more, Legolas the God was seriously ignoring me! He refused my marriage proposal and kind of made a funny noise when I claimed that I was really a beautiful Elven Goddess, sent by the Valar themselves, destined to marry a handsome Prince of Mirkwood whose name started with a L and ended with an S.  
  
Anyway, we were walking (surprise! Oh, I am so positively shocked! I think I shall die of excitement from WALKING!!!!) and I was going insane, mentally. Nobody was chatting, or even bickering! We all just kind of trudged along, with gloomy faces (except for the ever-so-perfect Legolas, who still looked like Utopia despite the musty air and filth strewn all around us).  
  
Step. Step. Step.  
  
Sneeze.  
  
Step. Step. Step.  
  
Sneeze.  
  
Step. Step. Step.  
  
Snee-  
  
"Arg, I can't take it anymore!!!!!" I suddenly gave this Tarzan-like shriek that echoed off the walls. All 9 Fellowship members turned around.  
  
"Evelyn! You shall not make such a tyrant of yourself!" Gandalf scowled.  
  
"Let's eat her, then she'll shut up," Gimli chortled.  
  
"She's filthy!" Aragorn exclaimed.  
  
"Look whose talking, bacon grease!" I snapped.  
  
Merry and Pippin were cracking up.  
  
"Stupid girl, be quiet," Boromir muttered.  
  
"YOU shut up!"  
  
"Do not speak to me in that indolent manner!"  
  
"Do not speak to me in that indolent manner!" I mimicked in a false, Mary- Sueish voice.  
  
"Can't take what?" Sam piped up. Gee, a little slow there.  
  
"The silence!" I yelled, although Sam was a decently nice guy, and I wound up flecking his face with my lovely saliva. "You all are like, mimes!" I demonstrated the famous mime-in-a-box imitation. They all kind of goggled at me.  
  
"Nevermind," I gave up and started walking (and sneezing) again.  
  
"Females," Boromir sneered before turning around.  
  
"Males," I mimicked again. Everyone stopped to turned around and looked at me, clearly a bit vexed.  
  
Oops. Ugh, stupid 5-second-memory-span.  
  
:::  
  
We stopped that night, even though nobody could tell it was night.  
  
"I can feel it in the air, darkness has descended," Aragorn sniffed around.  
  
Yeah right, you dirty-non-shaven-she-man.  
  
But I wasn't about to complain, because I swore my feet had degraded a centimeter from walking so much. Everyone else gave a sigh of relief as we stopped. Camp was made in a stone chamber close to the mall hallway we were walking through. There were moldy bodies, strewn bones and smelly men (cough BOROMIRANDARAGORN cough) around me, but I was nonetheless extremely glad.  
  
"The hills are alive!" I sung happily, unrolling my sleeping bag. Legolas and Gandalf exchanged a worried look, which I caught, but didn't care for that much. I continued doing bad impersonations of Julie Andrews until Gandalf coughed very loudly.  
  
"Evelyn, excuse me," he said. I scowled.  
  
"Yes, mister Gandy?"  
  
"Please do not call me that," he said quickly and moved a bit further from me.  
  
"Yes, Gandalf?"  
  
"That is an improvement. I need to know what will happen to the Fellowship next," he said. Boromir, Frodo and Legolas all wore skeptical expressions, but the rest of them seemed interested.  
  
"Hmmmmm," I said, chewing on a strand of hair, "Gimli shall cry like the girl he is for his cousin, Balin. By accident, Pippin will knock a skeleton down a well and all hell will break loose. We're going to run from a Balrog, Gimli's going to have a sore chin and you, Gandalf, you will-" I stopped short. Oh God, I couldn't tell him his death fate! Boromir was a different story, but Gandalf, he was well, Gandalf!  
  
"I will what?" he asked intently.  
  
I gulped.  
  
"You will lead us all safely from here to Lothlorien," I lied.  
  
He gave a satisfied sigh. "Then all is well."  
  
Oh, great. Now, I'd have to save Gandalf from the Balrog, or the others would never trust me again. What was I, a wizard-sitter?  
  
That night should've been blissful after all that walking (shudder), but my sleep was filled with sneezing and worried thoughts about how I was going to stop Gandalf's destined death.  
  
:::  
  
Next day, I woke up to the stench of decay and dust and dread. There was a foul smell in the air, even fouler than before since we all had to use a musty corner for our privies. There was total darkness all around, enveloping me like a black mist. I got up on my knees and kind of crawled around until my fingers hit something very soft, big and hairy.  
  
I shrank back, but it was too late.  
  
"Arg, my face," Gimli kind of moaned between his snores, but he was still asleep. "Stop, stop, it tickles!" He started to giggle and fidget like a little girl.  
  
I quickly crawled away.  
  
Soon, Gimli's little please moment was gone and he went back to snoring. Relieved, I stood up and stretched a bit. A faint light began to pour in from the cracks in the huge stone walls, and I could see a bit. Everyone was asleep, it seemed. Being a morning person, I was personally disgusted with their passion for slumber. Even Legolas, the noble Elven prince woke late! As if he would see it, I shot him a lethal look-  
  
And realized he wasn't there.  
  
His sleeping bag was still open, and I guessed I had missed his body when I first glanced over. D'oh. I stumbled my way across (once stepping on Gandalf's beard), squinting and using the little light there was. Everything was as it should've been, but the gorgeous God was missing! It was then that I noticed the pack neatly set next to the sleeping bag. No doubt, this was filled with Legolas' belongings.  
  
Nobody would notice, I told myself. It's just a quick peek.  
  
I looked in and rummaged around. There wasn't much - a couple of leather thongs (no, not THOSE thongs) for his hair, half a dozen packs of lembas bread, a canteen filled with water and some linen for bandaging - but my hand touched something bristly and wooden-  
  
A brush.  
  
So it was true! The hair God actually DID use a brush!! Quickly, I pulled it out and examined it. The brush was plain, with a wood handle and it had teeth made of soft bristly material I could not name. There were strands of perfect, golden hair caught in it. This item that I held was absolutely priceless.  
  
"Eeek!" I shrieked happily. Thankfully, nobody heard my outburst.  
  
Now, any other Legolas-obsessed girl at this moment would've been wise to take out a few hairs and put the brush back in.  
  
But I was not in the 'any other' category.  
  
Silently, I slipped the brush into the folds of my cloak and closed his pack, making sure to leave everything as it was. I then scampered back to my sleeping bag, took out the brush and dropped it in MY bag.  
  
I couldn't wait for the expression that would be on his face when he discovered the missing item. I grinned a bit maliciously, just dreaming of how he would react.  
  
Would he suffer in silence?  
  
Or maybe he'd roar out in agony.  
  
Or, maybe yet he'd burst into tears.  
  
But, the main thing was, he would SUFFER! Hah, that's what he got for refusing to marry me, the most lovely and beautiful and talented maiden ever born!  
  
I just wondered where the heck he really was.  
  
:::  
  
A/N : Dude, it just keeps getting better and better. Please review! Just go ahead and click that lovely button and tell me how evil/interesting/retarded/stupid/good/excellent/celestial/damn awesome this was. But, please, add some insight as to why, because I'd greatly appreciate all the advice. Thank y'all, and have a nice day filled with erotic dreams of YOUR favorite LOTR guy! 


	5. A Busy Day

I must've dozed off, waiting for the Fellowship to awake and for Legolas to return because the next thing I knew, I had jerked awake. To my relief, everything was just as it was supposed to be (except for missing Leggie, of course).  
  
Stifling a yawn infested with extremely lurid breath, I looked around. Everything was kind of dim, but I could manage to make out things somewhat clearly. For a second, I thought I saw a few flitting shadows outside the chamber in the hallway, but shook the thought away. I was NOT going to be John Nash today (did anybody agree with me that Russell Crowe didn't have to ACT schizophrenic-he already was?). I turned my attention back to the Fellowship, who were all in deep slumber (once again, except for Leggie. At least, I hoped he wasn't sleeping.).  
  
God, when were these lazy bums going to wake up? Gandalf had stopped snoring, but Gimli was still going at it like thunder. Every few seconds, he would either mumble something, giggle or scratch his forearm. It must be the hormones, I decided. What a freak. A midget freak.  
  
It was then that I heard it. A faint voice, obviously in a desperate situation. I couldn't make out the words, but the voice wasn't very far off. It sounded very weird, a voice emitted from the throat.  
  
I started, because the wailing was so penetrating through the empty silence. I wondered if it was Legolas. Maybe he was in trouble! Or maybe he liked to talk to himself. The wailing continued, and I became a bit too curious for my own sanity (or what was left of it). I wanted to see what it was, but leaving the Fellowship would surely screw things up BIG TIME. So I mentally did an 'Eenie Meenie Miney Mo'. The voice won. I quietly rose, brushed some dust off my shirt and sneaked out of the chamber.  
:::  
By now, the lighting had improved. With a slight squint, things could be made out well. I always had nice vision and was proud of my 20/20. Sometimes, when I had been on Earth, I pretended that I was an Elf with the supernatural sight. Too bad the celebrity body, height, ears, perfect skin, agility, hearing and immortality didn't come with that package. Oh well, I was still glad I didn't have to walk around with those huge, black Harry Potter glasses. They were so tacky!  
  
I trotted along, enjoying for the first time, the silence. Middle-Earth really was a nice place. Moria was a bit on the dusty side, but I imagined it to be quite nice if it didn't have so many rotting corpses. I wondered if the female dwarves braided their beards like Gimli.  
  
I guess I wasn't looking where I was going, because as the voice increased in volume, I kind of followed it on impulse. Down corridors, passing bajillions of rooms, take a left there, go straight, make a turn here. Lalalalala...my mind wasn't exactly turned on. So when something grey, shriveled and disgusting smelling suddenly leapt onto me, grimy fingers and all, I screamed like a mental patient.  
  
"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Clammy fingers closed around my throat, and I almost gagged.  
  
"Get...off...me!" I shrieked, trying to get that thing off of me. It was clawing at my neck, where I had the fake One Ring replica (from a cheap, $3 bookmark) attached to a slim chain.  
  
"Nassty hobbitsessss," it hissed. Oh God, this couldn't be Gollum. He scratched and throttled at me, sputtering nonsense. "They've got the Preciousssss on their neckssss...oh yessss...their thin and weak necksssss..." I suddenly got the impression that he was trying to kill me, so I panicked.  
  
God, Gollum was mistaking me for a hobbit and my plastic ring for the One Ring and was now trying to decapitate me. What was I going to DO???  
  
I screamed as annoying loud as my throat would let me. The pitch was astounding, I didn't even know this was humanely possible. Anyway, I shrieked and yelped, my voice mingled with Gollum's guttural hisses, and the stentorian sound echoed off the walls. He was grabbing at my hair now, my beautiful hair!!!!!  
  
"Get off!" I ran backwards into the wall, sandwiching Gollum between while trying to unclasp the necklace. He was quite strong for his small size. He writhed and dodged my hands, but gave a yelp of pain when his back crashed against the hard granite walls. Seeing his pain, I did it again, but at the last second, he finally jumped off my back, so it was me who got the pain.  
  
"OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!" I shrieked, rubbing my shoulder and my head. Ugh, now all my brain cells were gone! I turned around to see the wretched little creature crouching on the ground, preparing to leap at me again. He looked like a shriveled up prune with giant, Elijah Wood blue eyes, which at the moment were fixed disturbingly at my open neck. I quickly tore off the necklace and hurled it with all my baseball talent away.  
  
Gollum quickly turned and ran off to find his 'Ring', and then a horrible thought struck me. When he found out it was fake, he was going to KILL me!!!  
  
Standing there, I started panicking again. What was I going to do? What was HE going to do? No, I didn't want to think about that, those thoughts were reserved for suicides, and I wanted to LIVE! I looked behind me, down into the vast emptiness of a long stone hallway. I couldn't see an end to it, which was good, for my sake. Looking back again, Gollum had already reached the fake ring and was peering at it. I stood, staring at him, waiting for the outburst-  
  
"IT'SSSSSS NOTSSSS REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screeched after a moment's inspection, and that's when I began to run, Gollum cursing as he began to chase after me. Holy crap, I was really in for it.  
  
:::  
Now, under normal circumstances, I liked to run. It was relaxing. Especially relaxing when the hottie next door was getting his mail and he saw me, all athletic and in shape and stuff. But this was not under normal circumstances, unless you call a grey frog running after you for tricking him into crooning over a plastic ring normal, which I highly doubt. So, with common sense, one can assume that I didn't like to run with Gollum behind me.  
  
"We wringsss your neck, filthy girlssssssss!" he seethed, a trickle of foul- looking foam running down his withered lips. Gee, somebody was having bad PMS. The dank corridor was dark and colossal, and I felt like a midget, running away from an even smaller midget who just happened to be a sadist and most probably high on something. I ran for what seemed like years, avoiding corpses, weaponry and other sorts of rotting junk lying around. My breath grew short pretty quickly, and I could hear Gollum's labored panting behind me. I kept going, stumbling along in the awkward borrowed clothing. My steps echoed down the hall ungracefully. Gollum's flat bare feet echoed behind my footsteps even ungracefull-er, a reminder that he was still hot on my trail.  
  
"Come backsss here, you nasssty girl!" he seethed. Yeah, right, like I'd really stop, turn around, smile sweetly and let him rip my neck off.  
  
Slowly but surely, I started slowing down. Sweat ran down my forehead and my leg muscles started to ache, along with a cramp in my stomach. Just when I thought I'd collapse and face the end of it all, a loud clanging ran out from what seemed like the middle of nowhere. The noisy racketing bounced off the walls, repeating itself several times before fading into silence. Gollum and I stopped the chase, both of us wondering where the source was coming from. Oddly, the clamor sounded ironically familiar...my eyes suddenly widened in recognition.  
  
"Crap, Pippin! The skull! Eeek!!" I shrieked to nobody in particular. "Ohgod, I was supposed to BE there...Gandalf's gonna kill Pippin, and I hafta stop the Balrog from killing HIM, and then everyone's going to have to stop Gandalf from killing ME for not saving him from being killed by the Balrog, but then again he'll be falling while being killed, so he can't kill me, but the others are going to kill me for killing Gandalf, this is NOT good!" I moaned. "I'm going to be killed," I finally concluded.  
  
All prospects of lunatic Gollum gone from my head, I turned around and began running back as fast as my feet would go, which wasn't really that fast since I was pretty much at the point of blacking out from the exhaustion. Nonetheless, I must've had either a real determined look or maybe it was my unwashed greasy hair that would make even Aragorn jealous, but as I ran toward Gollum, he must've been really scared, because he bolted. Damn, why didn't I do this BEFORE? Now he thought I was chasing him and was making these really sad whimpers, like a dog.  
  
Oh well, that was his corrupted life. I tried to remember where the room we slept in had been, but in midstride figured out that they weren't in that place anymore, they were in Balin's tomb! Ahead of me, Gollum was still flapping around miserably, and took a turn toward a dark wing of Moria. I stopped, panting like a dog, and wondered where to go. Should I follow Gollum? There seemed no other choice, for there was a complete silence in the air, no more clanging to follow. I was just about to turn and stick with Gollum when-  
  
Boom.  
  
Oh God. This could NOT be the cave tr-  
  
BOOM.  
  
The source of 'booming' was very, very close. Gollum, a few feet ahead of me, slowly turned around and looked behind me. I gulped as his huge eyes widened into dinner plates, giving away the news that was not exactly advantageous at this moment. With another loud gulp, I too turned my head, and my pupils became locked with a dozen Orcs and one unhappy cavetroll who was running toward the two of us pitiful creatures with an unfriendly- looking club in his hands and a loincloth that was dangerously loose.  
  
"AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
And so the chase was on. Again.  
:::  
While I was running for dear life, a thought smacked against my brain. Hey, I could lead these evil creatures away from Gandalf and the others! With that in mind, I ran harder than ever. These minutes were crucial if they wanted to escape! Maybe they'd go unnoticed, and the Balrog wouldn't kill Gandalf, and so he wouldn't kill me! I grinned, but my slight joy was immediately wiped away when I tripped over Gollum and went flying into the air with a shriek.  
  
"Stupid anorexic weak frogggg!!!" I cursed.  
  
I landed in a rumpled heap, a trickle of blood gushing from my hairline. I tried desperately to get up, but my ankle was hurting me even worse than Britney Spears' voice. To my dismay, the bone stuck out in an impossible angle. I howled in pain, clutching at my broken ankle. Ugh, now how was I going to run gracefully and impress Legolas with this twisted thing? I mentally added 'ankles' to my List-Of-What-I-Hated, right before acne and after Star Wars. Gollum, in front of me, flapped off into the darkness. Stupid traitor. Stupid tripper. Stupid stripper (just kidding).  
  
A growl not too far jerked my head up, and in the darkness I saw an Orc approaching me. Using my arms, I pushed myself as far as possible, but he was running at a mad dash. Oh God, what was I going to do? Panic, panic panic. Was this Panic Day or something? He was raising his spear, ready to thrust-  
  
I ducked as the spear whizzed overhead, just grazing the top left of my head. To my horror, it cut off a lock of my HAIR!! Nevermind that it was dirty and oily and possibly filled with maggots, this was MY HAIR!!!!! An indescribable rage filled me. Gollum had attacked my hair, also. Why were these dirty creatures attracted to my hair? Now that the Orc was unarmed and still a good 100 meters from the rest, I managed to stand up leaning on one leg and gave him a sharp slap.  
  
"You dirty pig, don't EVER touch my hair EVER again!" I slapped him again, and kneed him quite fiercely in the crotch. To my satisfaction, he snorted in pain (ew, how disgusting!) and crumpled to the ground. By this time, the rest of the Orcs and that hideous troll had neared me. A couple of arrows were aimed at me, but the shots didn't hit their intended mark. They were gaining speed very quickly. My hand searched around for something, anything! Surprisingly, my fingers found an old rotting shield and the head of the spear that the foul Orc whimpering in pain had earlier hurled at me. Impulsively, I put the shield in front of my body and in a heroic, graceful move, I flung the blade as fiercely as I could, emitting a wild yell as I did so. It sailed dangerously in the air, right for the troll's chest-  
  
and bounced off his skin. SHIT.  
  
In a last pathetic attempt to stay alive for a few more seconds, I cowered behind the shield. God, I couldn't die like this! The air was disgustingly humid, my head was bleeding, I was on a bunch of corpses with a twisted ankle - this was the pit of the pits. Hmm...was Brad here? [1] Oh well, at least I was buying the Fellowship time. Yeah, buying time with my LIFE. I could hear the heavy steps of an approaching goblin, I could hear him chuckling maliciously under his breath. I braced myself for death as leaned over and raised his sword-  
  
An arrow from the darkness behind whistled in the air and hit the Orc squarely between the eyes. With a gurgle, it fell on me, dagger in hand barely missing my arm. I screamed and pushed him off me as blood poured from his mouth onto me. On second thought, I grabbed his weapon and turned to face another attacking Orc. This one still had the last remnants of goblin hair on his nasty scalp. He was in serious need of shampoo. I waited patiently until he was close, and threw the blade quite pathetically. It hit his arm, making a nice gash in his grey skin. However, this wasn't enough to silence him forever. He lunged at me, only to be pierced with another one of those arrows from nowhere.  
  
I gave a disgusted 'ugh!' as he emitted an abhorrent shriek and fell. Turning around too see who this archer was, I caught a glimpse of blonde hair, a miniskirt and shapely legs.  
  
"LEGOLAS!!!!" I cried happily, rising and forgetting the fact that I couldn't exactly stand. Unfortunately for me, my ankle gave away. Fortunately for me, an Orc who was chasing me from behind didn't stop in time and tripped over me. He sailed like, 10 feet and a loud crack confirmed that his neck was 100% broken.  
  
"Yayayayayayayayayay I killed one!" I exclaimed happily. Legolas shot me a dirty look and kept on shooting. There were only two standing Orcs left and the cave troll, who was busy plucking Legolas' arrows off his grey thick skin and roaring in rage. The two goblins advanced on Legolas, who ran out of arrows (we never saw this in the movie, surprisingly). In a flash, he whipped out his ivory blades.  
  
God, was he hot or what?  
  
The Orc to his left had one of those metal hook thingys, and began to charge at Legolas. My Elven prince ducked as he swung, twirled around (yes, hair flying too) and in a fluid motion, decapitated the Orc. The other one, to his disadvantage, had a bow and arrow, and was aiming one carefully right at my Leggie's chest as he was turning around-  
  
Oh, Valar, he was going to die! Ignoring my twisted ankle, I half-ran, half- dragged myself and lunged at the goblin. Gee, how many people had lunged at me today? Hmm...there was Gollum, and two Orcs, and now, I was hurling myself heroically on a slimy, no-good demon. I caught him by surprise and knocked him down. I pinned his arms down, despite his thrashing and screaming. Legolas ran over and quickly stabbed the Orc. The goblin's wrist twitched under me (I immediately let go), gurgled and went still. Yuck-o.  
  
Legolas helped me to my feet quickly (how enchanting), and I was brushing the filth off my shirt, forgetting something VERY important-  
  
I looked up as the troll's roar rang out. Where was Legolas? I began to turn around, looking for him in the dim light. Something from behind struck me hard, knocking the heck out of me. I swayed on the spot, the world spinning like crazy. With my last once of energy, I concluded that today was "Kill Evelyn Day/Lunge at Evelyn Day/Tear Evelyn's Hair Off Day and of course, Panic Day. Then, with that thought in my mind, everything went black.  
  
:::  
  
A/N : Gee, what a nice day Evelyn is having! Heh heh heh...excellent...(does the Mr. Burns finger thingy)  
  
[1] : Pit...Brad...I was referring to Brad Pitt, FYI. 


	6. Aluminum Helmets

A/N: Sigh, life is depressing. Chicago's obviously going to win Best Picture at the Oscars, Bush is being an idiot in going to war and I lost my favorite pair of socks. If this chapter shows some degree of depression, slump or gloom, blame it on Bush, Renee and the many crevices of my room.  
  
:::  
  
"Evelyn!" A nagging voice whispered.  
  
"Urrghhhhhhhhhh," was my reply. I opened my eyes, and a lovely array of colors twirled in my vision. Hmm...a flash of blue, a snitch of green, and a bit of gold. Who was this colorful creature? Shrek? No...he looked more like Kermit the Frog. No, Shrek. Wait, it was definitely Kermit.  
  
A hard pinch on my cheek brought me to my senses. Legolas. Duh. I scowled, and at the same moment a throbbing pain burst into my head. I groaned and put my hands to my head. I felt a piece of cloth there, but my hand also touched a warm liquid under. I had a huge gash on my head.  
  
"Evelyn, get up!" Legolas whispered again, this time more urgently. "We must leave, now."  
  
The world started spinning again, and I wanted to drop my eyelids, but Legolas' firm hands were already pulling me up. I wasn't even aware that he was so close, we were alone, and he was looking at me with a compassionate expression...  
  
"Urg," I managed to groan again, standing up on my feet. The pain in my head, the blood on my hands, the stench around me...it was too much. I leaned over and hurled a great portion of breakfast. Legolas patiently waited while I retched my guts out.  
  
"Finished?" he asked after a few minutes. I nodded weakly, wiping some digested bacon from the corner of my mouth. God, why was everything so dark and whirling around? I could barely make out his fair features in the dankness of the room.  
  
"Watimisit?" I slurred out as he began walking and I trailed after him like a drunkard.  
  
"I do not know," he replied pensively. I was impressed that he actually understood my jibberish. "It is dark, I am sure, but of the exact hour I cannot guess. You have been asleep for a long time, and I did not want to wake you, but I heard some noise earlier on and decided to move on."  
  
Probably Gollum, I thought. The throbbing in my head wouldn't stop. I wanted to vomit again, but there wasn't anything left in my stomach to vomit. Stepping over a rotted helmet, I focused on not tripping over the debris. Ugh, stupid Elf with stupid good eyesight.  
  
Legolas must've noticed my 'mortal disadvantages', because he reached over and took my hand in his to guide me.  
  
Oh, migosh, I was holding hands with Legolas! I tried not to sweat too much from the excitement. Did I have hand mold? Did I clip my fingernails? Did I just pick my nose? I was going crazy.  
  
"Where's the troll?" I asked, trying to conceal my hand-consciousness, my head clearing up despite the pain. "What happened, did you kill it?"  
  
He gave a little shrug. "Just some right arrows in the right places," he said nonchalantly. I had to grin at that, the thoughts in my head weren't exactly angelic at the moment. "How is your head faring?" He asked, oblivious of my dirty thoughts.  
  
"Well, um, there's an open wound, I'm losing liters of blood and on the verge of fainting. But otherwise, I'm feeling fine, and it's a beautiful day. Did I mention that I'm stuck in an underground hell, too?" I said. To my surprise, he actually laughed at my sarcasm. I'd never heard him laugh, and in the dark dank atmosphere, his soft lilting laughter was like lemonade on a hot day. Or a good picture of Usher's abs in a magazine.  
  
"The Balrog gave you quite a nasty hit," he told me. "Hopefully, Strider or Gandalf will have some cures. The wound is not too deep, and I wrapped a bit of cloth around to block the bleeding."  
  
"Mmmm." I said. "Thanks, I guess."  
  
"Evelyn, why in the universe were you in there?" he asked, changing the subject.  
  
I hid a smile. "It's a long story," I warned him.  
  
"I have all the time in the world." He grinned.  
  
Stupid immortal elves.  
  
"Well, I got up and it was kind of dim and I stole-" I stopped myself. Just because I was probably bleeding to death and lost somewhere in MIDDLE-EARTH didn't mean I had to give my secret, right? "I stole a look around the room, and noticed you weren't there. And then I heard some pitiful moaning, and decided to follow it."  
  
"Real smart," he said. "Just follow the voices."  
  
"Hey," I shrugged, "I follow the ones in my head." (He gave me a long hard look after I said that.) "Anyway, it turned out to be Gollum, and he kind of attacked me, and Pippin knocked the corpse down the well, and-"  
  
"What corpse do you speak of?" Legolas interrupted. Gee, what an avid listener.  
  
"Um...nevermind. Pippin caused a really loud noise, and I guess it attracted some things, because the next thing we knew, Gollum and I were being chased by a Balrog and a gazillion Orcs-"  
  
"I think it was only 6."  
  
"Shut up. Anyway, you jumped in and saved me." I concluded. He nodded thoughtfully, his big adorable eyes glittering in the dark. "So that's my story. What's yours?"  
  
"Mine?" he raised an eyebrow, but I wasn't going to be fooled.  
  
"Yeah, you. Where were you when all this happened?" I asked, staring at his face for any detection of uneasiness. (And that wasn't the only reason I was staring at his face.)  
  
"I was-" he started to say, when an arrow suddenly whizzed by us, barely grazing my shoulder. I stood still in terror as in a flash, Legolas grabbed his bow and an arrow was already notched between his slender fingers, and before I knew it, he released it. Silence, and then a soft clink.  
  
"Ow!" a familiar voice grunted. "That blasted arrow hit my helmet!"  
  
Legolas and I were flabbergasted as a light flooded the room from a familiar staff. Gandalf's staff. And, lo, before us stood the Fellowship. Aragorn's bow was still raised, and his face flooded with guilt as he saw us, Gimli was turning violet, a dent in his helmet, Gandalf was smilling, and the hobbits began roaring in laughter. Boromir didn't look too happy to see me.  
  
I turned to Legolas, mouth open, and he looked at me for a brief minute before grabbing my hand, breaking into a wide grin and running toward the Fellowship.  
  
~  
  
"Aragorn, you're an idiot," I announced 10 minutes after the Fellowship's little reunion. We had begun walking again, our spirits all lifted a notch. "Are you going to shoot Arwen when you get married, too?"  
  
"Shut up," he muttered, but he was grinning. "I heard voices and I impulsively shot at it." Yeah, he definitely DID hear some voices...what a lunatic.  
  
"So," Gandalf said calmly, "Where in the devil's road were you two?" I looked at Legolas, and he nodded at me.  
  
"Well," I said, "I woke up, and he was gone, and I heard something and decided to follow it. I dunno...it was like, the voice was Brad Pitt and I was a straight 16-year old girl-I just HAD to follow it. Anyway, I was walking along, listening to the lovely birds sing, when Gollum jumped on me."  
  
"Gollum?" Frodo said curiously, and Gandalf narrowed his eyes. "Gollum, the one who had the Ring before Bilbo?"  
  
"Yeah, that dude," I replied. "Anyway, we had a catfight, and he kind of won, and he was after this cheap ring I wore around my neck, thinking I was Frodo. I was highly insulted, so I got kinda mad, but then again, he was kinda mad too when he found it wasn't the real thing, so he began chasing after me."  
  
Frodo blinked. "He thought you were me?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Ugh," we both went at the same time.  
  
"So, anyway, he was foaming at the mouth and my feet were getting pretty darn exhausted when I heard banging, and that was Pippin, so I panicked because that was when the cave troll and the orcs were supposed to come-"  
  
"What?" a befuddled Merry asked. "How do you know all this?"  
  
"Merry," Gandalf said sternly. "Let Evelyn continue."  
  
"I ran back, forgetting Gollum, and he must've thought I was angry, because he started running away from ME," I said. Aragorn and Sam laughed. "And then, I heard the cave troll behind me, along with a million Orcs-"  
  
"Six," Legolas interrupted.  
  
"It was not six!!!" I glared at him. He glared back.  
  
:::  
  
Now, this brings us to a story from my childhood. See, as a kid I'd always been good at staring contests. I would strain to keep my eyes open until they watered and turned red, and then my opponent would get kind of freaked out, blink, and I would win. When I was seven, however, my daddy had bought a fish. I didn't KNOW that fish didn't blink, so I naturally challenged it to a staring contest (don't ask). Anyway, I had been staring for like, four minutes straight when my mom saw me and by that time, my eyes were practically withering. My mom rushed me to the Emergency Room, and the stupid doctor made me keep my eyes shut for like, 4 hours and the entire time, lectured me about fish. Ever since that episode, I had stopped staring at people. Back to the story.  
  
:::  
  
He won the glaring-contest.  
  
"Stupid fish," I muttered under my breath. Then, more loudly, "Fine, it was around six. I managed to fend myself off very well, but there were just too many, and found myself ready to be stabbed, when an arrow aimed at the Orc's chest saved me." Legolas smiled. "Legolas came in outta nowhere and started kicking butt, until the cave troll whacked me on the side of my head and I had a nice nap while the hot guy killed everyone."  
  
"You had a wound?" Gandalf said, worriedly. We had approached the millions of staircases that would've made M. E. Escher dizzy. Gandalf made us file into a single line. I was third, behind Frodo and in front of Aragorn. "We must treat it as soon as we exit this place," Gandalf said.  
  
"Yeah," I said. "It kind of hurt at the beginning, but I can't really feel it now."  
  
"Probably knocked out all your brain cells," Aragorn muttered behind me.  
  
"I heard that," I shot back, careful not to slip. Unfortunately, there was barely a source of light, because there weren't any Balrogs chasing us. All Gandalf risked was a small glow from his staff, and everyone was looking down, trying to put their feet in the right places. I kept on talking, to fill the silence.  
  
"I awoke later, and Legolas and I began walking when some moron (I glared at Aragorn) shot at us. So, naturally, Leggie shot back-"  
  
"Please don't call me that," Legolas said.  
  
"As I was saying, naturally, LEGGIE (I could hear Legolas sigh in back of me, and smiled) shot back and hit Gimli."  
  
"My head still hurts from that, and you ruined my hemet!" Gimli whined.  
  
"Then it must've been a pretty crappy helmet," I retorted. "What was it made of, aluminum?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"It was not!"  
  
"Suurrrreee."  
  
I was driving him crazy, and it was fun. What wasn't fun was when Gandalf stopped, and Frodo crashed into him, and I crashed into Frodo, and Aragorn crushed into me, and his greasy dirty wet slimy oily hair got onto ME. I groaned as I saw the break in the stairs. We'd reached this place THIS soon?  
  
An idea sprang into my head.  
  
Naturally agile and of course, seizing the chance to show off, Legolas jumped ahead and landed neatly on the other side.  
  
"Gandalf!" he said, beckoning. God, this was scary, it was JUST like what happened in the movie. Gandalf braced himself and jumped, teetering slightly as Legolas helped him steady himself. Aragorn tossed the hobbits over, and Gimli got his beard pulled. However, the rock wasn't breaking, so it wasn't exactly the same scenario. Pretty soon, after Aragorn jumped across, I was the only one.  
  
"Hi, guys!" I said, waving. "Aloha from Hawaii! How are you doing?"  
  
"Evelyn, quit fooling around and get your behind over here!" Gandalf said.  
  
"I can't."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I CAN'T," I said, quivering my lip. Dang, I deserved an Oscar for this.  
  
"Why ever not?"  
  
"Because."  
  
"Because WHAT?"  
  
"Because I can't jump that far, that's what!" I covered my eyes and faked a sob. Here comes the next Halle Berry!  
  
"We'll catch you."  
  
"Who?"  
  
Gandalf shrugged. "Aragorn?"  
  
"NO!!!!!!! My hair's oily enough!"  
  
"How about Boromir?"  
  
"I'd rather have a makeout session with Saruman."  
  
"Legolas?"  
  
I pretended to contemplate this. "Okay," I said reluctantly, and leapt.  
  
In reality, I could've jumped over very easily. But hey, a girl's gotta grab her chances. Legolas caught me in his arms, and for a second, I was floating in heaven...his firm hands around me, his blue eyes looking into my own...  
  
And then he put me down. Ugh.  
  
Well, I thought as we continued down, at least my plan had gone well. I had tricked Legolas and everyone else.  
  
Go me!  
:::  
  
A/N: Spell racecar backward. What's a word that starts with F and ends with UCK? Firetruck! Ha, just wanted to share that with the rest of the world. 


	7. Road to Lothlorien

:::  
  
We got out of Moria uneventfully. Surprisingly, not a single goblin heard us, even when Gimli released some very odorous and loud gas. I won't go into too much detail, but let's just say it wasn't very pleasant smelling.  
  
The Fellowship and I were traveling at a quick pace through an open field of wild, grass. I remembered it in the movie, except that had been a short scene before they entered the woods (where Legolas was running like a GIRL). Right now, I could see nothing but a huge field ahead of me. No trees in sight. The weather was moderately nice, but it wasn't soon before humidity dampened my skin and grey clouds began to roll in the distance. Great, an approaching storm.  
  
God, how long had I been in Middle-Earth? We'd spent four days in Moria, plus the one night on the Cahadras...had it only been five days? My clothes were now as dirty as Aragorn's, my hair was screaming for conditioner and my legs were sore (and a bit on the hairy side after not shaving). I had bumps and bruises everywhere, blisters on my toes and mosquito bites all over my arms, which I scratched at like a dog. Gandalf had very carefully re-bandaged my head, but it was throbbing dully as I walked. Ugh, didn't they have ANY kind of pain-killing drug in Middle-Earth?  
  
Aragorn must've read my mind from my expression, because he spoke. "Don't worry, Evelyn, you'd be better off feeling pain for a short while than feeling numb and then starting to do something called DYING."  
  
"Ugh," I moaned. "Gandalf, when are we going to reach Lothlorien?" A scatter of "Yeahs," and "When, Gandalf?" came from the hobbits' direction. I wasn't the only one tired, apparently.  
  
"That is not information for a GIRL like you to know," Boromir snarled. His expression looked like a seven-year-old trapped at his grandma's house, surrounded by smelly cats and cheek-pinching aunts.  
  
"You're sexist!" I snapped back angrily, only the word came out sounding like 'Sexiest'. He flushed bright red, then turned white, opened his mouth, and clamped it shut again. Merry and Pippin started to snicker quietly.  
  
I didn't feel embarrassed-in fact-it felt good to have Boromir have nothing to say for once. Even if I did have to call him sexiest.  
  
:::  
  
"Look, I see some trees, look there!" pointed an excited Merry, jumping up and down. All heads turned to the direction he was pointing at, and sure enough, there was a distant outline of a vast forest. Lorien!  
  
Unfortunately, at that instant a clap of thunder rang overhead and a sticky, warm rain had started to descend. Gimli gave a yelp, only it sounded a bit odd because it was high pitched and Gimli had a very gurgling voice. Anyway, the uncomfortable rain was soaking everyone to the bone. Including me.  
  
"Arg," I moaned. "Now all the grease from our hair is going to roll off onto the ground and wipe out the animals. Especially you, Aragorn, you'll probably make worms extinct or something." Aragorn shot me a glare. He turned to Gandalf.  
  
"Mithrandir," he said. "When we reach Lothlorien, is Evelyn not going to be dropped off there?"  
  
"Well excuuuuuse me-"  
  
"Enough," Gandalf said. Aragorn shut up. I followed his example. "We should arrive under the realm of Galadriel by nightfall, and then we shall decide Evelyn's fate." Somehow, his words made my skin crawl despite the hot rain. I was a bit reluctant to have Galadriel peer into my mind. That woman was even scarier than Halle Berry with white hair. (A/N: Sorry, I had to add that in. It's just that Storm in X-Men reminds me of Galadriel for some crazy reason only the Gods know.)  
  
We trudged on (excluding light-footed, graceful, irritatingly balanced Legolas, who kind of nanced along) for what seemed like an eternity. The temperature was so hot and the air so humid that before long, I had to wipe the beads of sweat from my forehead. The grass poked under my baggy pajama pants (which had turned from a light blue into a nasty greyish color), making my skin itch. I wanted badly to enjoy a nice, cool bath, even if it had to be under the same roof as a crazy psycho Elvish woman and her husband who spoke one syllable once every 3 minutes...  
  
Finally, the very wet and cranky Fellowship reached the woodland Lorien. It was dusk, and already dark shadows crept. I shivered, shaking a few drops of rainwater from my hair. Wordlessly, we entered the forest. Behind me, I could hear Frodo's heavy breathing as he hurried to match Gandalf's pace. The old wizard had an unreadable expression on his face. Pretty soon, Gimli had broken the tense silence with his little warning speech about Galadriel.  
  
"Hey," I interrupted the conversation. "She's not that bad."  
  
Gimli smirked. "Huh. And how would you know?"  
  
I didn't feel like explaining about the whole 'I've-watched-her-become- freaky-and-green-a-million-times-already-and-then-suddenly-turn-to-the-good- side-just-because-Peter-Jackson-can-do-whatever-he-wants' thing, so I just shrugged. "She can't be a witch, or why would we be visiting her?"  
  
"To drop YOU off somewhere," Boromir said quietly. Maybe it was the rain, or maybe because it was dark outside, but I was getting really pissed off at him. He'd been snapping or muttering sarcastic remarks at almost every sentence I'd said to anyone. By the quick look Legolas and Aragorn exchanged, I could tell that obviously the tension was stretching even more. I remained silent long enough to make the pause awkward before talking.  
  
"Okay, look here, buddy. You really must be sexist or something, because I haven't done anything to harm you, okay? So what's up with this attitude you've been giving me? What the heck is wrong with you? Now, I'd understand if it was PMS or something, but seriously, you're clearly being retarded. Now you're supposed to die later on, and so is your father, but I can change all that. Gandalf was supposed to d-"  
  
"What?" Frodo asked, alarmed. Gandalf hushed him. I had the feeling he'd known all along he was destined to fall with the Balrog, but I kept quiet.  
  
"Gandalf, well, he wasn't going to technically die, just kind of swim around and play in the snow and get a new outfit. But, anyway, thanks to my superior distracting skills (batted my eyelashes a bit), he's here with us right now. Now you, Borormir, you'd better stop acting so arrogant or maybe I'll just let you sit there and get shot." I took a long breath and waited for his reaction, but he was staring off somewhere. However, his face had become flushed. Bullseye, hit him where it hurts. Heehee, I showed him.  
  
"There is nothing but glory that awaits the Stewards of Gondor," he muttered under his breath, averting his eyes. Aragorn narrowed his eyes.  
  
"Uh, uh, Gandalf, shouldn't we be reaching Lorien quickly?" I struggled to change the subject. I really didn't want too much hatred between Aragorn and Boromir, because with Boromir being alive, who knew who was going to be king? Heck, I didn't want to have to change the name of the third book! I imagined a "Return of the PMSing Steward" book cover with pissed off Boromir and giggled. Sam raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Well I for one still think that this whole Lorien business is-oh!" Gimli was interrupted by an arrow notched not more than two inches from his neck. Crap, I'd forgotten about all this. A cool metal was pressed against my throat too. Great. Just great.  
  
"The Dwarf breathes so loud we could've shot him in the dark," Haldir delivered his line with perfect rhythm.  
  
"Hey, you're going to die too!" I thought outloud, suddenly remembering. Uh oh, not a good time. He turned around quickly and stared at me for a while.  
  
"Who...are you?" he finally asked. "Why are you wearing such ridiculous pants?"  
  
I was shocked. "You...you don't like my 'jammies?!"  
  
"Is that what they're called?" he now asked, a small smile crawling on his lips. I never knew Haldir could smile. Without waiting for me to answer the question, he lowered his bow and said, "Very well, I see there is no danger present, as any enemy with intelligence would not be wearing those awful grey pants. Aragorn, 'tis good to see you again." He and Aragorn looked at each other for quite a long time. I wondered if they were gay. "And Mithrandir, why, I did not see you!" Haldir flushed a bit. Ha.  
  
Gandalf didn't seem to mind. "And who would notice an old meddlesome man shrouded in grey, standing in the back?" he said, eyes twinkling. The wizard's authority struck me. Our sojourn here was going to be very different with Gandalf. Our whole journey was going to be changed dramatically. I wondered if Frodo was going to offer Galadriel the Ring, or how Gandalf and Galadriel would act to each other, both so strong and old...  
  
Then I remembered that it was Galadriel Gandalf had turned to after his fight with the Balrog. They had to be on friendly terms. However, that memory also brought up something else - Gandalf had been NAKED. I suddenly wanted to empty the contents of my stomach. Fortunately, there was no time for that, as Haldir started walking briskly with his bunch of bigender Elves. Only Legolas could keep up with the Elves without kind of scurrying along, not wanting to be left behind. Stupid long Elvish legs, I thought.  
  
To probably everyone's delight, the denseness of the forest was so great that the rain could not pierce through the thick leaves. We followed Haldir for twenty minutes or so, although I couldn't tell, because I'd lost my watch somewhere in Moria. Haldir, Legolas, Aragorn and Gandalf chatted in Elvish at the front, while I walked with the hobbits, warily keeping my distance from grumpy Boromir. He looked uncomfortable.  
  
The forest was thick and dark. I don't know how Haldir even remembered where to go, because there was no trail as he walked on long wild grass. The amount I sweated probably could've filled a pool, but I didn't to complain. After an endless walk of sinuous turns and confusing trails, we reached a dark, dense part of the forest. Haldir walked up to an especially large tree with pear-shaped golden leaves and whispered some Elvish word. Immediately, its huge swaying branches brushed aside and its golden leaves moved away. In front of us was a magical realm.  
  
Peter Jackson's a genius, and so is Howard Shore, but no amount of directing nor music could've captured the beauty of Lorien. There was a stunned silence. Even Gandalf's eyes were glazed. We were looking down into a valley. A thousand-no, a million golden-leafed trees glittered in a pale sunlight that shafted through their impossibly thick branches. The trees stretched up so high I couldn't see their peaks, only stand there like a midget and gawk. The ground was matted with a pale green carpet of grass. The place seemed timeless, eternally swaying gently in the breeze. Oddly, I couldn't see any Elves.  
  
"Where is everyone?" I poked Aragorn, who was standing (unfortunately for him) next to me.  
  
"I think the dwellings are up in the trees," he whispered in an awed voice. Of course, the Elves lived in the trees! How could I have forgotten? Was the movie fading out of memory? I had a sudden moment of panic, and then decided to stop worrying, as I was actually in the movie and this, this I would never forget in a million bazillion years even if some horrible mental image popped up like Michael Douglas naked wiped everything from my mind.  
  
Wordlessly, Haldir led us to the thickest of the trees. In a stupefied silence, we found ourselves climbing up a glass staircase, winding up around the trees...  
  
We'd been climbing up for quite a while when I made the huge mistake of looking down, and oh God, we were HIGH. I felt myself becoming sick, then quickly focused on something else. For the rest of the climb, I was closing my eyes and whispering a prayer that the glass would not break and I would not fall to a squashy pulp at the bottom of the stairs in the middle of some movie I wasn't even supposed to be in. God, life was messed up.  
  
We reached the top of the stairs, all quite exhausted. On a raised platform were two seats decorated in silver lining ("Oooh, pretty!" I said, and Gandalf shushed me). I recognized the slender form of Galadriel and the not- so-slender-but-not-as-fat-as-Gimli form of Celeborn. Great, major snooze time. That man was like a turtle who'd eaten a million slugs, drank warm milk and hadn't taken Viagra for many, many years. They pair began to descend slowly down the stairs. Galadriel's eyes shot my way, and a piercing voice intruded in my head.  
  
'Evelyn...'  
  
'Er?' Huge moment of panic. 'Uh, uh, hi? Miss Galadriel? I mean, uh, Mrs.?'  
  
'Yes, greetings to you too. Let's go to the point. I know not why you are here, but you will play an important role in the Fellowship...'  
  
'Uh, thanks?'  
  
This was really strange. I just kind of thought what I wanted to say, and she could read it immediately!  
  
'We shall talk later tonight.'  
  
'Um, okay, uh, by the way...'  
  
'Yes?'  
  
'Uh, you probably uh, think I'm crazy, uh, but please uh, don't tell Legolas that I uh, have his brush?' I cringed.  
  
Galadriel smiled and winked at me despite talking to Gandalf. Dude, this woman was so multifunctional.  
  
'No problem.'  
  
I breathed a sigh of relief and decided to watch in amusement as Galadriel turned to Boromir and he started trembling. I decided I liked Galadriel after all. Even if she did turn a bit green now and then.  
  
:::  
  
"Ah!" I cried to myself as I slung my pack over my shoulder onto the bed. I kicked off my stinky boots immediately and shrugged off the thick dirty cloak on my back. The Lothlorien housing was actually very nice, even though the dwellings were much higher than I'd anticipated. Oh well, everything would be all right if I didn't look out the window. Each visitor was led to a guest bedroom, and I was pretty darn glad to rid my shoulders of the burden.  
  
I took a good look around the room. It was furnished lightly with a few plush armchairs, a bureau and a bed. No stereo, no bookcase, no millions-of- useless-but-too-adorable-to-throw-away stuffed animals. I like the simplicity. It kind of reminded me of Feng Shui, only without the weird Asian words I couldn't pronounce correctly (When I say Shui, it sounds like 'Shooey' and all the genius Chinese people kind of frown at me and mutter something about being a redneck under their breaths).  
  
I walked around the chamber slowly. It really was nice. The air was perfumed with a nice, soft scent from the tray of dried rose petals on the nightstand. I reached a door, and without thinking, turned the knob. Immediately, hot air blew in my face. Sticking my nose in, I realized I was in some sort of bathroom. Yes, there, a bath!  
  
And Gimli in it. Topless. Red curly chest hair invading the earth.  
  
"ARGH!!!!! YOU!!!!!" we both screamed at the same time. Immediately I slammed the door shut with a loud bang. I leaned against it, breathing heavily. The shock was immense. Goodness, how the heck was I supposed to know this stupid door led to HIS bathing room? What if he hadn't been in the water?! Then he would've been totally NAKED. I felt myself turning green. Oh, why was THIS door leading to THAT room???? Why? Unless, unless...  
  
Oh no, did this mean that I was destined to share a bathroom with GIMLI THE DWARF for the next week or so?!  
  
Knock. Knock. Knock. I spun around. Someone was at the door, rapping impatiently. Was it Galadriel? Ooh, maybe Haldir!  
  
"W-who is it?" I asked. My voice was already parched from screaming.  
  
"Open the door!" Hmmm, an angry voice. I'd gotten a lot of those at home. I walked over to the door and opened it. Standing in front of me was Legolas, his face flushed and his hair a bit messed up.  
  
"Your hair's messed up," I pointed out bluntly. He flared.  
  
"I KNOW it is." Ha, he didn't have a brush! "Look, that day or night in Moria, I could not tell, do you remember taking my pack?"  
  
I looked at him with feigned innocence, eyes wide and curious. "Why, no, didn't Gandalf have it with him?"  
  
He licked his lips impatiently. "Yes, he'd taken both our packs."  
  
I shrugged. "So go ask him, genius."  
  
Legolas was getting more irritated by the second. His ears were turning red, then his neck, then his whole face. "I'm missing something very important, Evelyn."  
  
"Oh? What is it?"  
  
"Well, it's a bit personal."  
  
"Come on, Legolas, it's not like I'm going to tell anybody. I'm a crazed lunatic, for heaven's sake!"  
  
This seemed to convince him. He sighed. Then, in a low whisper, "I lost my brush."  
  
"Hmmm, that's strange," I pointed out. I wanted to explode. My face was turning different shades of red from holding in my laughter.  
  
"Yes, it is!" he frowned and kind of pouted, looking very much like Haley Joel Osment. "And it had been a gift from my father a thousand years ago!"  
  
"O-oh?" I tried to stifle a laugh, but to no avail. My mouth let out a snort. Legolas looked at me strangely.  
  
"Are you feeling alright?" he asked.  
  
"NoIhaveastomachachemustgogoodluckwithbrush," I managed to sputter, then closed the door on his face. It was only when I turned around could I double over in laughter, hands clutched on stomach. The look on his face had been so devastated, kind of what Russell Crowe looked like when Denzel won the Oscar last year. Ha. HA. HA!  
  
:::  
A/N: Sorry, short chapter. Author is suffering from lack of sugar. Need reviews. Now. Heh. 


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